So I've had this un-updated blog for more than a few months, and I definitely still feel intimidated by this, but I'm taking a risk and am going to attempt to become a "blogger."
I mentioned in my first blog ever that I did not have a real inspiration for starting one. I definitely do not feel like my life is exciting enough for others to tune into, nor do I believe I have deep/analytical thoughts on life, motherhood, or marriage that would enlighten the masses. I wish I was an amazing chef that could post delicious recipes, but I am not that either.
I am, however, a girl who is dealing with the possibilities, worries, hope, and daily burden of potential infertility. And because of this, I need an outlet-some place or space where I can unload the roller coaster of emotions that is infertility. Yes, it's going to be good for me. But I deeply, deeply hope that perhaps other women going through a similar journey can find this and that my thoughts on this can give them hope or at least a sigh of relief. I've unfortunatly never been the "activist" type who wants to reach out to the world and fix all the wrongs, nor have I ever thought that I endured any kind of struggle that could be inspirational. However, dealing with infertility has impacted me in a way nothing else ever has. I hope and pray that I can now perhaps help others who are going through a similar journey. I hope this because I am greatly and deeply thankful to another woman who has helped me through mine.
I was told several weeks ago that the reason my husband and I have been trying in vain for the last 8 months to conceive a child without luck is because I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. While this should be upsetting news (and it was), I found relief for the first time in so long. Finally, it had a NAME. No longer was I wondering, stressing, and having my heart broken month after month with no reason as to why we couldn't become pregnant. I instantly trusted my Dr. that we would find a way for me to get pregnant. And so the journey of fertility treatments began. While I had hoped my visit today would bring good news (my ovaries appearing to be ready to ovulate), Dr. Craig informed me that I have what appears to be a polyp on my uterus. While this may not prevent me from becoming pregnant, it could interfere with me sustaining a pregnancy. She believes the best treatment is outpatient surgery. So on February 10th I go in to have this polyp removed, and we should be back on the fertility roller coaster shortly thereafter.
The best way I can describe the past several months of my life is that I wake up everyday on a hilltop. Down one side of the hill is despair, depression, hopelessness, loneliness, defeat. Up the other side of the hill is joy, peace, faith, contentment, hope. I've always believed in my heart that I am a fighter. I am by no means perfect, but I do feel that I thrive in the face of adversity. I am searching for a way to say this without sounding cliche, but I also firmly believe that God has yet to bring me through a valley in my life. He has shown me tremendous blessings in my life, and I can only imagine what He has yet to show me. Even though some days I wake up and so badly want to fall down the hill of despair, I pray with my last bit of faith that God will help me climb up the brighter side of the hill. And most days, He does.