Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Another step in the journey

So today I went and had a procedure to better prepare me for the surgery I will have to have a week from tomorrow. It's called an HSG, and it was done to let Dr. Craig see if my fallopian tubes are clear and free of anything that might be blocking them (which would make conception much more difficult). While it was extremely uncomfortable and somewhat painful, the results were good news in that everything looked great. Such a relief. I also found out that the surgery I have to have will require no incisions, so my recovery will be much easier.
I've never considered myself to be a "worrier" or someone who always thinks the worst will happen, but ever since my diagnosis I seem to be more inclined to think that way. When Kyle and I first started trying, I assumed it would be a piece of cake. My mom, sister, friends, practically every girl I know had zero problems getting pregnant. I had never had a single health issue in my entire life, why would it start now? As month after month went by with no luck, I started to think the worst. I had several breakdowns where I would cry and cry, and voice my greatest fear-that something would keep me from having a baby. And sure enough, it came true. As we progress through the fertility journey, I struggle with believing that things won't get worse. And everything is 100% out of my control. Every ultrasound, procedure, and blood test is a held breath. But, another recurring theme is that I am daily forced to give up my worries and control to God. Not because it's what I "should" do, and I truly don't say that just to say that. I say it because He is the one and only thing that gets me through most days, and the only reason (next to Kyle) that I don't fall down the hill. Never in my life have I found more comfort in His word than I do now. Faith is no longer something I say that I have because I'm a Christian, and that's what Christians say; it's something I cling to with everything I have. And I'm pretty sure that's how God intended it to be.

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