I'm not sure if it's the heat, my impending due date, crazy pregnancy hormones, or a mixture of all three, but in the last week or so our somewhat chaotic situation (house building + having TWO new babies to care for in the next several months) has started to make me feel quite anxious. I would like to think up until recently, I have done a pretty good job of staying level-headed and calm about everything, but for one reason or another, worry has crept in. I'm hoping venting about the following stressors will make me feel better. In no particular order, here is what I am fretting about...
1. What if the babies come far before their due date, causing them to have to be in the NICU? This would mean we potentially don't come home with the babies, and instead have to leave them in the hospital. All 4 girls I know (or know of) that have had twins had them at 33 weeks (this would put me at mid-October) and they had to leave them at the hospital for an extended period of time.
2. In one month, my paycheck ceases to exist...for a long while. Although we are more than prepared financially in terms of savings and our monthly income, it is still very scary to think that my contribution will no longer be there (and once again, with TWO babies to take care of).
3. We are having TWO babies that we will be 100% responsible for in the very near future. While I know any mom, whether it's your first, second, fifth, etc. is overwhelmed in the beginning, it's petrifying to think that I will be responsible for these little ones, and I feel like I know next to nothing about taking care of ONE baby!
4. In reference to the above statement, I have read 2 baby books (which I somehow have a hard time trusting. I mean, it's just a book!) and had a few conversations with moms of twins about several topics (breast feeding/bottle feeding, sleeping, strollers etc.), but I honestly stear clear of doing internet research simply because it gives me heart palpitations and scares the bejesus out of me. It seems like everything I come across about twin infants leads me to believe I will have preterm, unhealthy babies (see #1). Am I in denial?
5. As if the anxiety of caring for two isn't enough, we are also going to be finishing our new house right around the same exact time the girls are due. This means I will get to move into a new house, unpack and organize, and somehow maintain a home all while being insanely sleep-deprived and caring for two infants. Yes, I know I will have the help of family and friends, but it is still extremely daunting to me.
On a more vain, and perhaps humorous note, I'm also petrified that I will look like a scary, make-up-less, greasy haired, sweat pant wearing monster that can't seem to get rid of the last 20 pounds of baby weight (probably because I'm living on ramen noodles and frozen pizza while Kyle works the night shift at 7-11). Will our house still have boxes of unpacked picture frames 6 months after we move in? Will there be anything on our walls besides the 55 inch flat screen my husband is insisting we need for our living room? Well, I guess we shall see.
So, there you have it. Babies, finances, home building. All have the potential to create a fair amount of stress in your life, and we get to experience all 3 at once. I have said it before, and I'll say it again: I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Kyle and I are blessed beyond what we deserve, truly. So while it's incredibly easy for me to see the scary part in all of this, I want so desperately to see this as an opportunity to stretch my faith. This will require me to put more faith and trust in myself, others and God more than I probably ever have in my life.
My mema once made a comment that our family comes from "hardy stock." I've sometimes thought about that statement when I'm going through something challenging.
So here is hoping my "stock" is "hardy" enough to endure this exhilaratingly exhausting season of our lives.
Oh, and if you're free around mid October-the next year, I could use your help... ;)